Peeves Vol. 2

What's been irritating me lately

Living in the past when the past is 2020

The ability to put up and take down signage quickly in shops is a global retail phenomenon. Think how swiftly Easter bunnies give way to I ❤︎ Mom paraphernalia and the way baubles and tinsel vanish after Boxing Day. Why, then, am I still seeing COVID posters up in public? Social-distance stickers on the floor, instructions on how to wash your hands – I need them gone.

Use of the neologism ‘neurospicy’

I will not be expanding on this one.

Unbelievable dialogue

Something that instantly puts me off a show or movie is when the characters speak in a way that is unnatural. “Look, you just don’t get it,” or “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do.” When was the last time you used your friend’s actual name while talking to them, or said the phrase “You’re not listening to me?”

This is why I prefer reality shows. Good luck and don’t fuck it up? I’m always saying that.

“I’ll just pay the difference”

In my culture, after a group dinner at a restaurant, it’s customary to pass the bill around. We each cross off and add up our items, then write our total – plus tip! – on the back. Sometimes there will be a person who says something like “I’ll just pay what’s left over.” What if I tip 15% and someone else 20% and another person 15% and then this lazy maths-hater tips 10%, ultimately profiting off of their generous pals and robbing the waiter? Don’t piss me off.

Unnecessary Instagram alerts

There are a few different schools of thought when it comes to Instagram message etiquette. Personally, I think it’s polite to ‘like’ every message sent to you by a friend or acquaintance. Some say it’s not that deep; it’s just an Instagram message. I say, have we become so desensitised to online interactions that someone sending hundreds of flame emojis dancing over a photo we posted doesn’t warrant a polite acknowledgement?

My gripe, however, is that double-tapping a message sends a new one: “Andie liked your message.” Drop the notification. It’s cleaner.

Being called to the worst teller in the shop

In 2012, I moved to town, and first heard the use of the word ‘Trengen’¹ to refer to the 24-hour Engen on Orange Street. It was a time when our lives revolved around partying and going out and being painfully aware of who and what was cool. It was guaranteed that you’d run into someone trendy at this Engen, whether grabbing hummus on the way to the beach or getting Steers at 3am, hence the name.

One of my friends figured out a trick where she’d grab snacks from the Woolworths side of the shop then casually head to the Steers counter on the other end and order chips. After paying for the chips, she’d walk out with her free Woolies snacks. The key was to remain confident and calm, and she never got caught.

Nowadays, Natalie and I still go to the Trengen, multiple times a week, but for groceries and at reasonable hours. There are six tellers but sometimes you’ll be called to teller seven, which means you have to walk all the way to the Steers counter and pay for your groceries there. When this happens we will usually let the person behind go ahead of us. There’s just something about ringing up eggs and mature cheddar at a Steers that feels so wrong.

Typing with a TV remote

Finding something to watch is hard enough, so why make typing ‘The Plastic Detox’ with an Apple TV remote so unpleasant too? The layout of the letters makes the task feel like brain test, like brushing your teeth with your left hand. I suggest a QWERTY layout or an alphanumeric keypad – less scrolling around, more satisfying clicking.

A lack of curiosity

Me: *spends hours designing a poster, writing an Instagram caption, creating an informative Quicket page, perfecting a helpful newsletter*

Someone in the comments: hi when is this

Fake chocolates

Did you know that some chocolate bars are not legally allowed to be called chocolates? If you see phrases like ‘chocolate flavoured treat’ or ‘choc coated’ or ‘cocoa confectionary’ it means they haven’t used enough cocoa or cocoa butter, probably replacing it with sugar or vegetable fats. I don’t like the phrase “Don’t piss on my boots and tell me it’s raining” but I’m left with no choice here.

Reversing out of a tight parking

I’m filled with dread whenever I drive into a narrow driveway or parking spot, knowing I will have to reverse out of it eventually. I just find reversing so disorientating – anyone else? I realised this in 2019, on my first car’s maiden voyage to Cavendish Square.² After I’d had my fun,³ I returned to my car and immediately knew in my soul that I wouldn’t be able to reverse without scraping the paint off the car next to me, and probably the pillar on the other side too.

I sat in the dark of the underground parking, watching people walk out of the mall to their cars. When I saw a woman around 35 years old (a responsible yet approachable age, don’t you think?) I ran out and explained my predicament to her. Without hesitation or mockery, she reversed my car for me. I always think of this kind woman when I park in a mall, in one of the spots furthest from the entrance, praying the surrounding bays are still empty when I return.

1. Some call. it the ‘Wengen’ (Woolies + Engen), which doesn’t convey a charming sense of herstory, to me!

2. Never related to a lyric more than Beatenberg’s if you get lost in Cavendish Square, you can rely on me

3. A flat white from Seattle